Topic: The Secret Sin of Pornography

Presentation by: Rev. Slomp

It is not easy to speak about the topic that I have chosen to speak to you about this morning. For the topic of pornography deals with shameful things done in secret. And that is something we would rather keep hidden. We don't really want to talk about it. The reality is that I would not really like to talk about it either. But, I know that it is very necessary. For although for many of us pornography is not a problem, yet it affects all of us in one way or the other. Also I have no doubt that there is not a person here in this room who has not in some way been in contact with pornographic material in one form or another.

Nowadays it is especially a problem not to. That is because pornography is now more readily available than at any other time in the history of western civilization. Just look at some of the billboards around town. Look at the magazines, and especially the Internet. It is hard to escape pornographic images. Morals within society have changed considerably over the last few decades, which allows such an avalanche of pornographic material to flood the market place.

Pornography is big business. According to U.S. News and World Report, the industry grossed an estimated $8 billion in 1997. That figure represents an expenditure of about $30 per person in the United States. That's more than is spent annually on gambling! It is also more than is spent on all other forms of entertainment combined.

From the various sources I consulted I also learned that it is a great problem for Christian men. According to research over 15% percent of married man within the church use pornography. It is also estimated that as many as one in six pastors are involved in that same activity (some say that it is as high as one in five). And so, the problem is huge.

The problem with pornography and illicit sex has always been with us, ever since the fall into sin. When Adam and Eve fell into sin, they right away felt the need to cover their naked bodies. They realized that their desires for each other were no longer pure. They now desired each other for selfish reasons, for selfish gratification.

The Bible tells us about the various sexual sins of leaders in the church. We can think, for example, of Judah, who visited prostitutes. The Bible tells us about one time that he had sex with his own daughter-in-law who disguised herself as a prostitute. From the account it appears that he was regularly engaged in visiting cultic prostitutes.

Think also about Samson who visited prostitutes as well. Sampson is depicted in the Bible as one of the strongest men. Yet, the prostitute Delilah held a greater power over him than anything else, and it became his downfall.

We also think of David who fell into sin with Bathsheba. He tried to hide his sexual indiscretion, and even had her husband killed in order to accomplish that. Also, a big sin within his own family was the sin of his son Amnon with his half-sister Tamar who was the full sister of Absalom. Amnon raped her, and then sent her away to live in Absalom's house. David's silence on this matter was the cause of much strife in house of David. Since David by his silence condoned Amnon's sin, Absolom was so angry with his father, that he later plotted to overthrow him. David's sin almost cost him his throne.

Think also of Solomon. He was known as a very wise man. Yet, he was led astray by the many wives that he married. Because of his sin the kingdom was torn into two, splitting the church of God. And so the consequences of giving in to one's sexual desires in an inappropriate way are great.

Causes

What causes a man to turn to pornography? I believe that the answer lies in the fact that when man fell into sin he was no longer whole. He became estranged from God, and estranged from his wife. There was an empty void in his life that needed to be filled. Man cries out for union, for completeness. He needs to feel satisfied and good about himself. It is for that reason that people always turn to idolatry is well.

They want to be able to have a God whom they can touch, and with whom they can have a close relationship. There are many ways to fill that void in your lIfe. That is why many of us are enslaved to one kind of addiction or another. For example, there are those who are addicted to food. They can't leave it alone. Others are addicted to shopping. They need something new all the time. That makes them feel good. It makes them feel fulfilled. Others are consumed by work. There also those who turn to alcohol, or to drugs, or to cigarettes.

Some of these addictions are not necessarily harmful. But, in I Corinthians 6:12 Paul says, Everything is permissiblefor me - but not everything is beneficial. The Lord God gives us great freedom. But, He also knows that if you give man enough rope, that in the end he will hang himself. God gives us restraints and certain safe parameters within to exercise our freedom. And therefore Paul says further, Everything is permissible for me - but I will not be mastered by anything. The RSV speaks about not being enslaved by anything. Pornography enslaves you. It is one of the worst addictions. It overpowers you.

In the books I have read in preparation for this presentation, many stories are told about people who became enslaved to it. There was something wrong within their own lives in the first place, but they did not realize it.

One story is about a minister whom the author named here David. He writes "One night, after a very long day, David checked his e-mail before going home. He didn't recognize one of the e-mails and opened it to find friendly content with an invitation to visit a web site. David clicked in and instantly faced a picture of a nude woman. He was shocked but also felt a rush of adrenaline and excitement. He closed the site but over the days and weeks returned to sites like this again and again. He told himself that he needed a little 'relaxation'. After all, his sex life with his wife had been boring and infrequent; maybe this would 'spice things up'.

"Several months later a senior elder ofhis church came to him with a printout of items from the church computer. David had become addicted to Internet pornography. He had no great trauma in his background and no major problems in his marriage. He was stressed out, tired, and never had anyone hold him accountable to his emotional and spiritual discipline. He was truly ignorant of how powerful pornography could be and fell into the trap."

You see, David became a "slave" to pornography. Once you are a slave to something, it becomes a very hard to get free from it. For even though you are enslaved, there are still certain pleasures associated with your slavery, which you do not want to give up.

Think about the Israelites after they left Egypt. They were slaves to the Egyptians. God through Moses set them free. However, once they were in the desert they wanted to go back to their slavery. Why? You would think that that is the last place to which they would want to go back. Well, it was because of the desires of the flesh. In Egypt, even though they had harsh taskmasters over them, they felt safe and secure. They knew what they had there, and what to expect. That is where they had all kinds of food and drink available for them, but in the desert they faced an uncertain future, and they had to get used to new experiences. How the Lord had to discipline them, in order for them to break with their slavery.

The same thing is true of slavery to the flesh. There are things that abhorrent, but that at same time bring pleasure. The pleasurable aspects often win out over the abhorrent and familiar ones. Especially when you are weak, and when you do not trust in the Lord to deliver you, you will you succumb to the temptations.

Consequences

What damage does pornography do? Some will argue that photography does not really hurt anybody. You are engaged with an inanimate object, whether it is a page in a magazine, or pictures on the Internet. You are not actually engaging in sex with any of those women. The fact is, however, that those who view pornography will eventually want to act out their fantasies. They will view females as objects of their pleasure, and mistreat them.

Let me quote for you a story as given on the Focus on the Family web site. This is a story submitted by Dennis Prager, radio personality in the USA. She writes, "Pornography has been a part of my husband's life since he was a teenager... I have begged and pleaded for him to understand how his interest in everyone else's body and sex life is ruining our marriage... how can a woman close her eyes to the fact that a man prefers to watch a flick than be with her."

Another woman writes, "My husband began using porn as a teenager. What was once an adolescent hobby became the 'other woman' in our marriage. At first it was our intimacy that suffered. Then, his pastime grew into an addiction, which then started to include more serious forms of adultery. He was going to strip bars and sleeping with prostitutes. He was often late, with poor excuses. I noticed our money disappearing and never suspected he was spending nearly $500 a week to feed his addiction.

"Me? I felt responsible, ugly, ashamed, alone and hopeless. Why would he look at another woman unless I wasn't pretty or sexy enough? Friends rejected my idea that his porn use was ruining our relationship. They told me to be sexier, more sexually responsive and available so that he wouldn't look elsewhere. I tried all these things only to find they didn't work. I ended up feeling like a failure, as a wife and a lover. Now I know it wasn't me.

"When we got help I found out his pornography use began before our marriage, as far back as his youth. Not only was it not my fault - it had nothing to do with me at all. After much counseling, we both understand he entered our marriage thinking I would cure all his sex problems. No wonder he was so disappointed and angry.

"We're still together. We are living proof that a pornography or sex addiction does not have to mean the end of your relationship."

A woman named Diane submitted the following story:

"I've always felt that pornography was bad, that it was harmful. But I felt that it didn't affect me personally. No members of my family ever read pornography. My husband's family didn't read pornography. We live in a small, close knit community. Pornography is not an issue there. I basically felt immune to its effects.

"A year ago in April, my world was shattered by the effects of pornography. My three-year-old daughter was raped and violated in every manner you can imagine by a twelve-year-old boy. When they arrested the young man, we were told that they would surely find sexual abuse in his background. And that this is the reason he did it on my daughter. After a thorough psycho-sexual evaluation, they came to one conclusion. There was a single motivating factor in what he did to my baby. He was exposed to pornography at a very vulnerable time in his life.

"What he saw on those pages not only gave him the ideas ofwhat to do and how to do it, but it gave him the permission to treat females in a degrading and debasing manner. Since he was only twelve years old, he needed to look for a female who was younger than him, who wouldn't fight back. And so he raped and molested my daughter.

"I've heard it said that pornography is a victimless crime. I'm standing here before you a victim of pornography. My little girl is a victim of pornography. My husband is a victim of pornography. Even my four other children are victims. How do you explain to a fourteen-year-old boy that his favorite little sister has been raped and violated in such a heinous manner?"

If you think that these kinds of things do not happen in our churches, then you are sadly mistaken...

The problem with pornography is that once you become engaged in it, you always want more. That is because after a while you become bored with it. Let me quote you from The Pornography Trap by Ralph H. Earle Jr., and Mark R. Laaser. They write, "Sexual addiction is based on feelings of genuine sexual lust. 'Lust' is a misunderstood word. Many Christians assume lust is inherently sinful. Lust, however, can be best understood as a feeling of desire. For any substance or behavior to be addictlve it must involve the chemistry of the brain. Feelings of sexual pleasure and excitement involve this brain chemistry. Powerful new chemical reactions are involved in very basic parts of the brain that create intense feelings of pleasure. If God had not built us this way, we would not procreate. It is a natural part of God's design.

"Within itself the brain can get used any level of neurochemical reaction. Over time the brain needs more of this to achieve the same pleasure.

"As with many addictions sexual feelings can be used to escape painful emotions. If the sexual activity is new, exciting, or dangerous, the adrenaline it brings can elevate an addict's mood. If the feelings are about romance, touching, being held, and orgasmic experience of sex, powerful opiates in the brain can have a relaxing effect. If depressed, an addict can elevate his or her mood. If anxious or stressed a person can suppress his or her mood."

He writes further, "Sexual addiction usually leads to negative consequences. For pastors the consequences are often obvious. They may lose jobs or even their careers. Addicts can spend huge sums of money - we have known pastors to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on sexual activity. One pastor, for example, spent $75,000 on the internet in one month's time. Marriages are lost. Social and legal consequences can be severe."

The authors identify several problems here. They write about its addictive nature, and about the damage that can be done. As they say, marriages can be lost. Why? Well, men who are engaged in pornography, whether they are watching pornographic movies, or are engaged in it on the Internet will want to act it out with their wives. Or, they will be so enslaved to masturbation that they are no longer interested in their own wives. Whatever the case may be, a wife will notice that there is something seriously wrong with her husband. In one way or the other she will be treated as an object. The intimacy in the marriage will be gone, and they will live as strangers under the same roof.

The worst effect is on the person himself. Somebody who is a Christian knows that to engage in pornography is a sin. And so, since they cannot break the habit, their relationship with the Lord becomes severely strained, if not severed altogether.

In order to find out how to break his habit, you have to be aware of some of the causes. Why do certain men engage in it? They do it because of:

• loneliness (they do not have an intimate relationship with the Lord or with others)
• a need for release of tension. (They are under a lot of pressure to perform, and need some kind of diversion. Pornography is readily available.)
• anger (towards wife because she has different priorities)
• tension in marriage (man and wife do not communicate properly)
• feelings of entitlement (Nobody is fulfilling my needs, and I am feel entitled to that)
• low self-esteem (nobody likes me, or is able to meet my needs)
• past sexual, emotional, or physical abuse (therefore you are afraid of meaningful relationships).
• because you and your wife are both wounded people, and you do not know how to cure it.

Cures

The Bible is full of passages which challenge us to "flee" from sin, and from the dangers of this world. And so, in order to flee from sin those who are in the trap of pornography will have to know the escape routes. The good news is that recovery is possible through the Holy Spirit, who makes the tools available to us. Paul says in Rom. 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God 's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Paul speaks here about conformance and transformation. In so doing He speaks about omissions and commissions - what the person should omit, and what he should commit.

First then what he should omit. You should omit from your life, he says, what belongs to this world. Do not conform to it. This world gives in to the desires of the flesh. They believe that it is impossible to lead sexually pure lives. That is why advocates of abortion will not advocate abstention, or the retention of sex strictly within a marriage between the man and the woman. They do not believe that it can be done.

The Christian however believes that he can do everything in the victory of Christ. Paul says that you should not allow yourself to conform after the pattern of this world. That means that the Romans should not allow themselves to be constantly surrounded by those things that arouse them to sin.

And so, if you want to extend that to pornography, that means that you omit pornographic material from your life. You promise to completely avoid contact with it. Whatever pornographic material you are in contact with should no longer be available to you.

How do you do that? Once you are involved in pornography, you can no longer be trusted to be your own watchdog. You have to make yourself accountable to somebody you trust. Married men should make themselves accountable to their wives. In order to repent from sin such as this she should know what has been going on in your life, how it has been available to you, and when you are most vulnerable. Once you identify these things you can develop strategies not to be lead into temptation.

For example, those who watch pornographic movies late at night, or who are involved with pornographic material on the internet, should go to bed at the same time with their wives. They should make up a contract to that effect.

They should also make themselves accountable to trusted friend. On the internet there are also web sites available which helped you do that. There is for example the web site known as "Covenant Eyes". When you join this program, you are asked to provide the names of at least one "Accountability Partner" who is a person with whom you have an accountable relationship. You can ask a good friend, your spouse, pastor, or counselor to be your Partner. Then, on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis, they will receive an accountability log ,which will be a record of all of the sites you visited, including the web addresses and amount of time you were on the internet. This log is e-mailed to your Accountability Partner. This program is maintained on computers somewhere in the United States, and so the history sites visited by the member cannot be erased.

If pornography is a problem, then the person should not be able to access the internet from a secret location. It is best to have a computer in the kitchen or in the living room where everybody can watch your activity. This is especially good rule to follow when you have children who access the internet.

These are some ways in which you can omit pornography from you life. Depending on the kinds of pornography you are addicted to, other strategies can be developed along the same line.

Paul also speaks about commissions. You must commit yourself to the Lord and to your wife. First of all you must commit yourself to the Lord. Here Paul does not speak about conformity, but about transformation. He does not want you to go from one conformity to the other. As if the one can replace the other. No, rather than imitation, you must move to transformation, to new creaturehood.

Paul uses the present tense: "Be transformed". It has to be a continual transformation. And note well that he uses the passive voice. He does not say that you must do this yourself, no, you must allow yourself to be transformed. And, basically that is the work of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has to sanctify you, to purify you.

How does that happen? Well, those who are affected by pornography first of all have to realize that the Holy Spirit has been sent by God because of the work of the Lord Jesus Christ. He died for our sins. And there is not is sin so great, except of course the sin against the Holy Spirit, that He will not forgive. We fall into sin time and again. And that is why it is so comforting to know that we have a Saviour; that there is no end to the forgiveness we can receive. God knows how we struggle. He knows how sinful we are. He also knew that about David. Yet, David was a man after God's own heart. When you read through Psalm 51, then you realize how David completely repented from his sin with Bathsheba.

And so, in order to receive the renewal that David received, we must also do what David did, namely to humble ourselves completely before the Lord. David confesses himself to be a totally broken creature, incapable saving himself. We must do the same. We need God with our struggles. And He supplies us with what we need.

But, God also gives us a role to play. Note well that the verb is also in an imperative mood. It says, "Be transformed". God gives a command. God does not cancel our responsibility, in spite of our brokenness. A Christian must allow the Holy Spirit to work in his heart and in his life. It is his duty to cooperate fully with God.

Paul also says that we must in this way approve what God's will is. The verb translated as "approve" has the meaning of testing. And so, if you want to test the will of God by your lifestyle, then you have to examine your ways, and compare them to the ways of the Lord. Do they match? Is God's will reflected in the things I do? In order to know this you have to continually go to the Scriptures to receive instruction. The commandment states that you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.

There is also a second commandment. We must love our neighbor as ourselves. Your closest neighbor is your wife.

As I said earlier, those who have problems in their marriage are vulnerable to become addicted to pornography. And that is why and they should look at the kinds of issues they have to face. Those who have problems in their marriage typically shun real intimacy with their wives. There are several reasons for that. This can be because of abuse in the past which make them afraid of deep relationships. They are afraid to make themselves vulnerable to their wives.

Or it could be that they afraid of intimacy with their wives because that would make them accountable to their wives. That would mean that he would have to speak about their feelings, and about their actions. Sometimes it is easier to avoid such accountability and to go to pornography than face those kinds of issues.

I've come to the end ofmy presentation. There are many other things that could be said. For there are so many different aspects to it. I've only scratched the surface. However, I hope that in our discussion afterwards some more points can be brought to the fore. Thank you.