"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracous gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (I Peter 3:7).

Video presentation: "Godly Husbands" - Patrick Morley

Thank you to our breakfast volunteers: Susan Meyer and Anne Doorton

Introduction

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:25-33).

The men who attend Men's Fellowship are in many different life stages and situations. Some are single, some are newly married and others have been married for many years. Some have children and some do not and some even have grandchildren. But in spite of our different life circumstances we are all called to be spiritual leaders in some capacity or other. Today the focus is on husbands as spiritual leaders.

Even if you do not happen to be a husband at the moment, there is much that can be gained from this study. For those who are single, this study can be used to prepare for the day when God may grant you a wife. Understanding the biblical principles concerning marriage is crucial when choosing a wife. It is extremely difficult for a Christian man to develop a godly marriage relationship if his wife does not share his love for the Lord and his desire to apply the principles discussed below. And regardless of whether God grants a man a wife or not, this study should enable us to gain a deeper appreciation for Christ's love for the church.

Why are most men less than happy with their marriage?

Many men have the vague feeling that they are not getting the most out of marriage. They love their wives and have good times but they never reach a level of deep intimacy. And even if they recognize the problem, most men do not have any idea to correct the situation. Dr. Gary Smalley, a Christian marriage counselor, suggests that there are two reasons why many marriages do not reach their full potential:

1. Men and women enter marriage with "storybook" (or "Hollywood") expectations and little or no training in how to build a meaningful relationship. Hollywood, TV and popular psychology encourages a selfish perspective where an individual focuses on what he can get out of a marriage. Most dating nowadays involves seeking entertainment with very little quality time spent on learning how to build a healthy relationship.
2. Men and women lack understanding about the general differences between men and women. Men and women are different emotionally, physically, sexually and intuitively.

A Godly Husband must emulate Christ

The key to a marriage that reaches its full potential is to follow the advice in the passage in Ephesians 5 quoted above. A fulfilling marriage is one where a husband loves his wife just as Christ loves the church. This is easy to say but what does it really mean? Unfortunately, as sinful men, we can only make a small beginning in our understanding of Christ's love for the church. Fortunately God knows this and has provided numerous illustrations and examples of Christ's love in the Bible. Christ loved his church with a self-sacrificing love whereby he gave his life to pay for our sins on the cross. Although Christ's death on the cross is the culmination of his self-sacrificing love, I would like to focus on the example of Christ's response to the temptations in the desert (Matt. 4 & Luke 4) because his responses there give us some valuable insights into how husbands should relate to their wives:

• Turning stones into bread
  Christ refused to put his physical needs before the needs of the church.
• Throwing himself down from the highest point of the temple
  Christ refused to recklessly endanger the church through his own neglect or indifference.
• Worship the devil to obtain power and riches
  Christ refused to compromise his faith.

Christ did not "fall in love" with the church because we were so attractive. Christ loved the church despite the fact that we were deserving of his wrath. Note that Christ-like love is a verb — an action word. As Christian husbands we are called to emulate the perfect self-sacrificing love displayed by Christ. Jesus Christ held nothing back and neither should we.

The Husband as Spiritual Leader

Many husbands fail to take responsibility for the spiritual welfare of their marriage. A husband may provide for all of the material needs of his wife but this is meaningless if her spiritual needs are neglected. God has decreed that men are to lead in the marriage relationship (see 1 Cor. 11:3, Gen. 3:16 & Eph. 5:25) and to abdicate this leadership role is to disobey God. Husbands must conduct themselves as Christ did when faced with the temptations in the wilderness.

Another illustration of how husbands should conduct themselves is to emulate Christ's roles as prophet, priest and king in their marriages. An elaboration of these roles can be found in the Heidelburg Catechism, Lord's Day 12. If we apply those principles to a marriage relationship we are required to:

• As Prophet, confess the name of Christ in our marriages. This implies that husbands must also become knowledgeable of spiritual matters in order to be a godly example for their wives.
• As Priest, a husband should sacrifice his needs and desires to promote the spiritual well-being of his wife.
• As King, a husband should fight against any temptations that might enter the marriage and harm its spiritual well-being.

"Love as you love yourself"

A man's sinful inclination to selfishness makes it very difficult to provide the kind of self-sacrificing leadership that God requires in a Christian marriage. To assist husbands in this, the Bible gives the guideline that husbands must love their wives as they love themselves. Every man knows how much he loves himself but if he is not loving his wife equally as much he is falling short of the standard set by God. A husband must be considerate to his wife. (1 Pet. 3:7) A husband must control his temper and not be harsh or bitter with his wife. (Col. 3:19) In addition, a husband must not judge his wife more harshly than he judges himself. (Matt. 7:1-5)

A husband must recognize that his wife has different needs from himself. Patrick Morley suggests that man's greatest need is to be significant while a woman's greatest need is for intimacy. He also states that while a man cannot love emotionally unless he is loved physically, a woman cannot love physically unless she is loved emotionally. Although it is arguable whether these statements are completely accurate, they are useful to illustrate the point that in order for a husband to meet the needs of his wife through self-sacrificing love, he must work to understand what may be the specific needs of his wife.

Self-sacrificing love is not easy. Nevertheless, through constant prayer to God for strength and wisdom a husband can have a marriage that reaches its full potential, to the glory of God.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

Introduction

1. How can the principles learned today be emphasized prior to marriage?
2. Do you think there are any problems with the common dating practices of today? Why or why not?
3. If you think there are problems, in what ways could dating practices be improved?
4. Is it wise to develop a relationship with an unbeliever?

Why are men less than happy with their marriage?

1. Are you happy with you marriage? Why or why not?
2. Where are the problems areas in your marriage, if any?
3. Do you or your wife (Did you or your wife) have "Hollywood" expectations for your marriage?
4. Do you agree that today's media and popular psychology encourage a selfish approach to marriage? Why or why not?
5. How are men and women different emotionally? physically? sexually? intuitively?

A Godly Husband must emulate Christ

1. Have you ever done a study on Christ's love for the church to help you be a better husband?
2. Have you ever done a study of the roles of husbands and wives in marriage to help you better understand the relationship between Christ and his church?
3. In what ways do husbands put their physical needs before the needs of their wives?
4. In what ways do husbands endanger their marriage through neglect or indifference?
5. How does a husband who compromises his faith jeopardize his marriage?
6. In what ways do men put their desire for power, riches or significance ahead of the needs of their wives?
7. Do you have to feel in love to love your wife?
8. Are you holding any part of yourself back from your marriage?

The Husband as Spiritual Leader

1. Are you embracing the role of being the spiritual leader in your marriage? Why or why not?
2. Name some specific ways you can be a prophet, priest or king in your marriage.
3. Do you agree that, after God, your wife should have first priority in your life? What things do husbands give priority to instead?
4. What are the consequences for a man who abdicates his role as spiritual leader of his marriage?

"Love as you love yourself"

1. Can you honestly say that that you love your wife as much as you love yourself? Why or why not?
2. What are some specific ways you can be considerate to your wife?
3. Do you agree that being harsh or bitter with his wife could hinder a man's prayers?
4. In what ways do husbands judge their wives against a higher standard that they judge themselves? Why do men do this?
5. How are a wife's needs different from her husband's needs?
6. Do you agree with Patrick Morley's statements in the second last paragraph? Why or why not?
7. Do you agree that a man must work at loving his wife all the days of his life?